


Always

by pixiepuff (colourmecrunchy)



Category: Merlin (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, and love from afar and pine away and HURT, but the ending couldnt be anything but HAPPY because, pardon me my lovelies i have brolin feels, they love each other so bloody much, why isn't there a tag for stupid boys who bottle things up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-27
Updated: 2012-10-27
Packaged: 2017-11-17 03:36:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/547203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colourmecrunchy/pseuds/pixiepuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During the last year of Merlin filming, the boys live together for convenience sake. When it's all said and done Colin moves out, and Bradley tries to cope with his world crashing down all around him.</p><p><em>Yes, Bradley thought he'd be used to it by the time the idea of shared living space emerged. His heart gave an unexpected lurch when his mouth moved of its own accord -</em> Why don't you stay at mine?<em> - and Bradley knew he had to have this. Afterwards, all will be over anyway, so no one or nothing could take this away from him. He'd have it, this dysfunctional dependency, making him sick with want and elation and the knowledge that he was only kidding himself, but he still enjoyed the laughter even if the joke was on him. </em></p><p> <em>It was all there, plain for him to see, so wonderfully simple in its complexity. There was never going to be anyone else.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Always

**Author's Note:**

> this story is intervowen with Bon Jovi's _Always_ lyrics (hence the title). It was written in May before the "their flat" news, after i drove somewhere and this song came up, and it just gave me all the silly-and-in-love-Bradley-but-doesn't-do-anything-about-it feels.

_This romeo is bleeding_  
 _But you can't see his blood_

November 27th 2012 was a completely ordinary day. The drizzle in cold, flat London air was right on schedule and ruthlessly annoying as always, although breaking the gloom of the streets somewhat with the sea of colourful umbrellas it elicited.

The Londoners were used to it. As they were to the slightly over-stuffed Underground wagons, to a tad too many tourists blending in with the home crowd, and to yet another charity garden party the Queen organized for her posh circle of usurpers.

The morning paper was delivered as usual and the coffee machine ground out in its customary way - a bit too slow with an occasional hitch that appeared after that time it accidentally landed on the floor.

All in all a really ordinary day.

 

Except it was also the day that Colin moved out.

 

_It's nothing but some feelings  
That this old dog kicked up _

 

And it's not like Bradley didn't know it will happen. He did. They had a deal, after all.

But like so many times before, his boyish naivety and hope took an idea and just ran with it and ignored the consequences that were to happen to a mind, apprehensive and spread too thin for worries and wants this big for expectations this small. For so many years now.

He knew this day will come. Sometimes he dreaded it and sometimes he wished for it, unable to withstand this self-imposed torture any longer. But as with any bitter-sweet emotion or bad habit or vice, people only wanted _more_ despite the dissonance it awoke inside them, derailing their steady advance for something normal and actually beneficial. And Bradley was no different.

 

The past four years had been a blur or fast-paced days and equally challenging nights, countless tests of one's self-restraint, but also filled with the happiest moments of Bradley's life. So how could he hate this, _any_ of it? He knew all things pass, and learned it early on in his life when he realized his birthday also only lasted mere 24 hours as any _other_ day, or that the trips to the dentist, no matter how awful, always _ended_. With a new sticker to add to his collection at that.

This time, there was no pat on the shoulder, or a sticker for being a good boy. He never knew this kind of bitterness with things running out its course, and he was at a loss, completely devoid of any emotion or question of the _Why me?_ variety. He's stopped asking himself that a while ago and he didn't have it in him to even start hoping again. Not after today, anyway. Today was a finality he never actually expected to happen, how _could_ it when things were wonderful, or at least as wonderful as they _could_ be, given the circumstances?

His life became a routine, true, but it was a good one, he _thrived_ on it and everything it brought and it gave him the energy he never expected to come from something so curiously simple as living with another person.

 

_It's been raining since you left me_

It was only for a year, they agreed. The filming of the last season was upon them and it was stupid of Colin to even think of finding a place in London for himself if he could stay at Bradley's. _With_ Bradley. So what if they filmed all over the place and actually spent many nights at local hotels, leaving their apartment empty. It was there when they came back, and there were a few times when Colin was tired and napping in the passenger's seat, quiet mumble of _let's go home_ falling from his lips. The _home_ bit killed Bradley every single time, warming him up from the inside, from the bottom of his stomach up right into the roots of his hair, making him bite his lips. Hope fluttered to life every single time, and was then smothered with the painfully sincere part of his brain that always whispered _you know it's not like this_. Bradley nodded to himself and promised he'll do better next time.

The last time it happened, Bradley ignored every single line of caution and brutal honesty his mind came up with, and made a vow with himself to do something about it next time. Only that next time never came, because Colin stopped saying it. And Bradley's words of _What if you stayed?_ never left his heart.

 

_Now I'm drowning in the flood_

 

Which was for the best, really. He thought he'd be immune to it by now, to all that Colin was. Which was _everything_. He was everything. He was light snoring on a Saturday morning, and a quiet laughter in Bradley's car after a 13-hour day of filming. He was soft smiles when Bradley got bored during the interviews, and mischievous eyes when someone forgot their lines. Colin was as warm and as good and as longed for as the first rays of the sun after a week of blizzard, and he didn't seem to have even the slightest inkling what he meant to others. To _Bradley_.

Colin was messy black hair after a film marathon and surprisingly loud yelps of disdain when he burnt his tongue on his tea. He smelled sweet and spicy, like apples with cinnamon and it was Bradley's favourite scent in the whole world. Nothing could top it and Bradley wasn't sure if that was a bottle of some fancy designer stuff or just Colin and his skin, or a mixture of both, but he never dared to ask.

Now, mere couple of hours after his departure, the apartment was already starting to lose it, as if the smell retreated to the very corners of those few spacious rooms, hiding itself and trying to make the emptiness easier.

 

_You see I've always been a fighter_

 

Yes, Bradley thought he'd be used to it by the time the idea of shared living space emerged. His heart gave an unexpected lurch when his mouth moved of its own accord - _Why don't you stay at mine?_ \- and Bradley knew he had to have this. Afterwards, all will be over anyway, so no one or nothing could take this away from him. He'd have it, this dysfunctional dependency, making him sick with want and elation and the knowledge that he was only kidding himself, but he still enjoyed the laughter even if the joke was on him.

The reason _why_ he expected to be accustomed to all things Colin was really simple. Everything fades with time, or so they say, and three years should have been enough for this swirl of disturbance inside him to subside. And it wasn't straight away, this feeling of uneasiness and annoyance and all-consuming hunger. It took months for him to interpret it, to dissect it into prime numbers and analyze what the hell is going on. But when he did, he realized he'd been wrong, so wrong, because it _was_ straight away, it was present from first reading onward when Colin looked up at him from under his eyelashes and smiled and this revelation made him feel oddly out of sorts. He envied people who made the same kind of journey and discovery, and emerged happier, fulfilled, with a new goal to _conquer_ in their lives. His own bitter epiphany consisted of rather less enticing reactions and it was the weight he lived with ever since.

 

Of course he _hoped_ , how could he _not_ , he was a normal human being with feelings after all -- but all the expectations of optimism and timid anticipation were short lived. Only a few days later at a cast party during a game of truth or dare, Bradley witnessed three things:

1\. Katie and Angel's kiss ( _hot damn_ )

2\. Colin's 3 minute toplessness ( _holy christ fuck shit damn_ )

and,

3\. Colin was into girls. ( _Oh._ )

 

And by right this should be the cold shower Bradley needed, a waking call to end this little weird thing that happened in his stomach every time the skinny idiot was near, because that's what they were, right, they were two straight men and newly appointed co-workers and he was confused, that's what he was because he's met so many new people all at once and it was exciting, but his mind always did have a particular sense of humor so of _course_ his attention latched on the _weirdest_ one of all -

but it was also hypocritical, what his emotions were doing. It was bad and led nowhere and Bradley ended up more frustrated than a McDonald's employer when the salad cutter broke down, and he realized he couldn't do one damn thing about it.

 

Because he fell in love. He fell 100%, completely, utterly, ridiculously, devastatingly, delusionally, horrifically and heart-breakingly in love with Colin and accepting it didn't make the next four years any easier. Moving on just wasn't an option, if you met Colin Morgan and had the nerve to fall in love with him.

 

_But without you I give up_

 

When Bradley stared up at the ceiling of his now empty apartment, he berated himself for everything he'd ever thought of. Because he thought a _lot_. About everything. And _all_ of it was Colin.

And it wasn't until now that he realized how bad it was, how stupid and pointless, inviting him to live together, because what did he _expect_ to happen? That Colin will realize living with Bradley was all he ever wanted? That picking a new sofa together, or trying to repair a coffee machine on their own after knocking it over while half-drunk and acting out a battle between Arthur and Merlin, with props and sound effects and all, or rubbing each other's feet after a long day while sitting in easy silence was going to make Colin want to stay for good? Or, what, fall in _love_ with him, because Bradley and his ideas of sleeping in til noon or prank-calling random numbers or mocking Colin's soy milk were such a _catch_?

 

_I can't sing a love song_  
 _Like the way it's meant to be_

 

There were times Bradley fooled himself that if he persevered or waited long enough, or _made_ himself let go, he eventually would. But then Colin started calling Bradley's new horse on set _baby girl_ , or hogged more than half the fridge with his cabbage crap, or changed all the names in Bradley's phone book by adding _sir knight_ in front of the male ones or _milady_ in front of the female ones and Bradley was toast. Doomed. Irrevocably and royally fucked.

There was also that one time the guest bedroom had to be repainted and half the paint ended up on Colin because he really _was_ that clumsy, with his blue, _blue_ eyes frighteningly striking amidst all that white, and Bradley had to turn around and walk out to prevent himself from pressing Colin into the wet wall and just kiss him and kiss him. But one of his favourite - because he really was a masochistic dick, judging by all this painful reminiscing - _I am so screwed moments_ was when them and the girls went out to get some dinner. He strategically sat next to Colin just so he couldn't stare at him all throughout the meal and possibly creep him out with that, and he honestly enjoyed himself that evening so, so much. Up until Colin's vegan pumpkin ravioli came and he carefully spooned a couple of them and slid them on Bradley's plate and smiled. By the time _Earth to Bradley_ call was finally successful, Bradley noticed Colin was already engaged in a conversation with Angel as if the tiny one-sided food exchange had never happened. Bradley shoved the ravioli into his mouth and wished he didn't see the concerned look Katie shot him.

And then there was that one very memorable afternoon, when Bradley was fixing a cupboard in the kitchen. There was nothing dangerous about the easy job of readjusting the old shelves, but he had to take out its contents beforehand, and sometimes, Bradley was a bit of a clutz. Colin's clumsiness seemed to rub off on him.  And it's not like he didn't know that Colin was in the bathroom (he just opted not to dwell on it too much), but when he stumbled backwards by accident, knocked over a pile of pots and pans and ended up sitting in a field of post-war debris while the racket around him sounded like the Japanese bombers are bringing down his block of flats, the bathroom door opened. And out came-a-running a nearly naked Colin, soaped up and hastily wrapping a small towel around his waist. Bradley nearly popped a blood-vessel in his brain then and there, but when he noticed Colin's whole left hip was uncovered, his heart gave a painful lurch of someone long over-due for a stroke. When Colin retreated to the bathroom, pacified that Bradley was okay and that no one threatened to shoot them down, he sported a lovely set of flushed cheeks. Bradley supposed it was undoubtedly due to his hot bath and maybe because he noticed how Bradley was staring at him (which, god, Bradley hoped wasn't the case), and then promptly poured himself a shot of whiskey.

When his hands stopped shaking he went back to work, and never for a minute kid himself that the sight of Colin's wet left hipbone was something he'll ever forget.

 

_Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore  
But baby, that's just me _

 

Bradley did notice that Colin was uncharacteristically quiet for the past few days before he left, but the explanation for that had to be rather simple. When you spend so much of your time together with someone, you start mirroring their behavior and habits and random displays of emotions, and if that was true, Colin was picking up on Bradley's unease and gloom.

Which was still odd, because Bradley actually didn't know _when_ will Colin move out. They agreed on _sometime after we wrap season 5_ , but that could be from a week to a couple of months (or _years_ , Bradley hoped in vain) and now that he came to think of it, Colin never actually gave him the date. He knew his own low spirits must have come from the ending of it all, the series _and_ their living arrangements and every god damn night, Bradley remembered the wrap party and how they all drank like sponges, and they cried and he cried like a baby and then Colin was there, going from person to person and hugging them and pointing at them like Merlin and casting a _be happy_ spell, and Bradley couldn't anymore, he just _couldn't,_ so he left.  
Nobody stopped him, but when Colin made it home later that night, he came to Bradley's bedroom without a sound and cuddled close behind him on the mattress. Bradley was going to fake being asleep, pretty sure that was the only way to survive being cuddled by Colin, when he heard a barely concealed sniff. Stupid, _stupid_ and strong and gallant and stupid Colin, who was the only one at the party who _didn't_ cry, who went around cheering everyone else up, who hugged and hugged and told self-deprecating jokes and handed out his phone number like it was free candy with a promise that this wasn't the end, was now, in the confinements of four walls and Bradley's back, _crying_ and Bradley's heart broke just a little bit more.  
He swallowed hard and shifted over, bracing himself because like that stupid deal of living together, he had to have _this_ as well, whatever kind of bloody closure it was, when they were vulnerable and open and raw from the realization that everything was ending, that such a glorious era of their lives was closing and it was all new and unknown from here on. Colin's cheeks were wet and shone with a bluish tinge from the barely there light from the streetlamp, and he was pale and sad and _beautiful_ , almost ethereal and so surreal, and Bradley realized that this will soon really only be a mirage, with Colin gone god knows where with god knows whom, no longer here, at _home_ , with Bradley and their sofa and glitchy coffee machine and cabbage-infested fridge and baby girl horses.  
He pulled Colin close and clutched at him while Colin made small, sobbing sounds into his chest that made Bradley just _ache_ all over, robbing him of words and ideas and even breath, as he learned the exquisite pain of holding someone you love but can't have. He pressed several kisses to the top of Colin's head while he shook in his arms and wondered if Colin even noticed the curious act of consolation. He didn't say anything and Bradley was glad, because that was one thing he could never apologize for.

 

_And I will love you, baby - Always  
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always _

 

 

"Hey stranger."

"Katie."

"Where have you been?"

"At home."

"I called."

"I know."

"Angel called."

"I know."

" _Colin_ called."

"I _know_."

"And you didn't think picking up your phone was what we wanted from you?"

 

Bradley shifted in his chair, staring at the cup of coffee like it showed all the mysteries of the universe. Which he didn't exactly need explained since he took the last three weeks off for himself and watched all the shows of soul searching and deep space analysis, and his conclusions were rather disappointing in the end.

 _Why are we here?_ To bloody suffer until we die.

 _Did Americans really land on the moon?_ I don't bloody care.

 _What was the question to 42?_ The number of times Colin and I would fuck this month if he actually loved me back.

 

Katie sighed.

"He's confused."

"What?"

"Colin."

"Why is he confused?"

"Because one of his closest friends doesn't pick up the bloody phone when he calls?"

Bradley shrugged, knowing it was a lame excuse, but was unable to come up with a better one. "I didn't feel like talking."

"What if _he_ did?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know Bradley, why don't _you_ tell me?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about right now."

 

Katie almost looked sad.

"He misses you."

"What, are you his spokesman now?"

"Spokes _woman_. And no, I'm not."

"Well then why doesn't he tell me that himself?"

"Maybe he wanted to but _somebody_ ignored the phone?"

 

 _Oh_. Bradley looked around helplessly, completely out of depth and ideas of what to do. He felt like he was bursting after so long of keeping things to himself, hiding and lurking and swallowing down hope and despair alike, and anger and joy and sadness and love, so _much_ of it, but what was the point now? Now was finally the time to cut the cord, and if he was unable to, he will at least _try_ and Katie wasn't helping by saying all this.

 

"Bradley."

"What?"

"I _know_."

 

He looked up sharply and for a moment, a thousand excuses and denials went through his mind, and he was picking out the plausible ones and wondering if she'd let it go, but then he just got tired. So tired.

 

_Now your pictures that you left behind  
Are just memories of a different life _

 

Last three weeks were nothing short of hell, the withdrawal as bad and consuming and painful as that of a junkie, and Bradley was _tired_. How could he cleanse his life of the drug called Colin, if he didn't really want to? And this particular brand of heroin was actually good, so _good_ and so lovely and had an apple scent and Bradley didn't want to forget, he didn't, he wouldn't, he-

He avoided the guest bedroom like the plague for the first few days. He sped up when he passed the door in the hall and didn't touch the coffee maker at all. On the counter his phone buzzed every day, several _times_ per day, but Bradley ignored all of it. He'd been out, running constantly and it wasn't until someone yelled at him to go bloody inside before he catches pneumonia that he gave up and dragged himself back. The apartment felt empty, like his life. Like the coffee machine. Or the sofa. That bloody horse was fuck knows where by now as well.

 

On his second week alone, Bradley went clubbing. He picked up a girl, short black hair and skinny as hell, and in his drunken haze he wondered for a moment what that reminded him of. She took him home under a promise they could do anything he liked and he followed, drinking the words in and possibly hearing them uttered with someone else's voice. But when he followed her to the bedroom and walked past a work in progress area with several tins of white paint being stacked against the wall, he nearly lost his footing as something painful jolted through his heart.

She stopped shouting what the hell was wrong with him by the time he reached the bottom stair.

 

He was slowly chasing his second revelation, as important as the first one all those years ago, but it somehow felt more significant. More prodigious. Life-altering and while he still felt directionless and trapped in his loneliness, this new comprehension unblurred his vision.

He _loved_ Colin. For four years, he kept quiet and let things be and there were chances of being with others and he turned them down, turned them _all_ down, despite knowing he can't have _him_. He didn't want anybody else and no one-night hook up would chase away any of his loneliness.

He wasn't in love. Not anymore. He was painfully smitten at the beginning and he knew it, he admitted it to himself and accepted it, realizing you think you know what you want and how you want things in your life to happen, but then someone comes along and just proves you wrong in so many aspects and you just throw it all out the window because you want _him_ and all he represents. His crush faded into something huge, something overwhelming, self-sustaining and he just loved, he loved on his own, for both of them, because how could he not? This wonderful human being walked this earth and Bradley was blessed enough to be a part of Colin's life so he just _took_ him whichever way he could get him.  
He loved him and all his strangely beautiful quirks; his unabashed squealing that was heard throughout the apartment until the shower water turned warm, the strict routine with which he prepared his mint tea -- when one mustn't put sugar in because adding lemon is the only right way to drink it, or one (Bradley, usually) will face the wrath of an angry Irish boy; how Colin _still_ didn't remember who the fuck sang _You're the voice_ but knew all the lyrics and changed the ringing tone of the answering machine on Bradley's phone to the first few notes of it.  
Bradley loved Colin when he was ill, because he looked like special needs kitten, runny eyes and little sneezes and cuddly as hell although Bradley never let himself act on that particular urge. He loved Colin sleepy, because he was rambling a lot then and the conversations never got dull, consisting of incompatible topics like bone marrow transplant, teletubbies and Bradley's jawline. Bradley could never bring himself to stop smiling serenly when sleepy Colin happened, and his favourite moment to this day was when Colin was going on and on about buying 5 garden gnomes, naming them Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po, Tinky Winky and Bradley-Boo.  
He loved Colin when he watched Animal planet, wiping at his eyes in exactly the same way women watched pathetic sappy films and pretended they weren't crying; or when Bradley stole his razors and Colin got cranky when he didn't have any left for himself.

 

_Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry  
One that made you have to say goodbye _

 

It was all there, plain for him to see, so wonderfully simple in its complexity. There was never going to be anyone else.

 

"I love him," he blurted out.

 

Katie leaned forward and grabbed his hand, looking proud, of all things, and a little misty-eyed herself, as if she just witnessed first-hand what he relived in his head.

"Oh, Bradley."

"Is it possible to just drop this?"

"No?"

"I was afraid you might say that."

"Why are you fighting it so hard?"

"He's _straight_."

"So are you, and yet you made this one exception without trouble at all."

 

Bradley nearly choked, hot coffee burning his throat. He never looked at it that way, and guessing by the look Katie was just giving him, she realized it too.

"Bradley you two have lived together for a whole year."

"I know."  If his voice wavered, Bradley pretended it was all coffee's fault.

"And you were practically married from day one."

"Katie."

"What."

"It's kinda too soon for me to be a target of your mocking."

"You poor baby."

" _Katie_."

 

She closed her mouth and looked at him again and after a while, he squirmed under the scrutiny. He felt like she was reading him and he wasn't even sure if he'd make a good book or not. It seemed she let the matters drop, at least, judging by the sudden change of topic.

 

"Christmas party is in two weeks."

"You organizing it?"

"Bloody right I am. But Eoin's volunteered to bring the booze so I think I've got most of it covered."

"Don't let him get pissed as fuck again."

"Help me keep an eye on him?"

"Is this your unsubtle way of inviting me?"

"Would you say yes if I outright asked you?"

"I- don't know."

"Colin will be there."

"Katie I don't-"

"Just think about it, yeah? You need a break, you haven't had one for how long?"

"Four years."

 

It was obvious Katie didn't expect that kind of an answer, seeing it was her turn to ungracefully choke on her own coffee. When she stopped spluttering, she turned back to Bradley in shock.

"Oh my god."

"What?"

"Bradley."

"Yes?"

"Oh, _fuck_. Oh bloody _hell_ fuck."

"That's a lovely plethora of swear words there, McGrath."

"Are you telling me- I thought. Okay. I thought it was all just fun and games at first?"

Bradley examined his nails. Thoroughly. "Not for me."

" _Shit_ , Bradley."

Again, he was surprised by the compassion in her voice and it was almost enough to smile back. Almost.

"It's fine, okay?"

"No, it's most certainly _not_ fine, you complete and utter _fool_!"

"Oi."

"Why are you sitting here doing nothing about it?"

"Because I'm not an idiot, if someone likes me _back_ I can tell, and -" he trailed off weakly, wishing he'd be far, far away right now. Away from all this madness that had him in its clutches and refusing to let him go.

Katie looked at him with such raw exasperation on her face he nearly asked her if she's okay, but then she covered her face with her hands.

"Please come to the christmas party," she mumbled.

"I'll think about it."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"And Bradley?"

"What?"

"Pick up the bloody phone if he calls you again?"

 

_What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair_  
 _To touch your lips, to hold you near_

 

Bradley didn't go to the party. He paced, fast and heavy around the apartment, in his full gear sans the snowman tie he chucked about half an hour ago.

 

He wanted to go. He did. It would be just like good old times, people he knew and loved and he already knew how things would go down -- Eoin would be smashed, sitting on some furniture without his jeans he had lost earlier god knows where, singing and thinking he's the next Britain's got talent wonderboy, someone else indulging him by joining in; Katie would beat up every single one of their asses in table football, while Colin would get too drunk and too sleepy way ahead of anyone else, and he-

Bradley sighed. The Christmas parties were perhaps his favourite of them all. Because if anyone asked _anything_ , he could blame so much on the alcohol in his hand.

Strangely enough, no one ever did.

Even when Colin was babbling away merrily, slumped into Bradley on the sofa, mumbling into his shoulder and sharing his latest theory on _tiny little aliens who came to earth in empty beans cans and landed on top of your building, do you know that, Bradley, and then they sneaked in via ventilation system and ate all your chocolate mousse because that's what they're here for, the chocolate, they don't have it on their planet, you see_ , and when Bradley asked -- perfect picture of seriousness although dying from laughter and the adorableness of it all on the inside -- where did the aliens hide because he hadn't seen them anywhere, Colin whispered back, looking up from so close with eyes wide and sparkling, _in your hair_ , and Bradley just snorted and tucked Colin against him more securely, while the others laughed - sans Eoin who was still in his own little world somewhere - and then curiously enough turned away and left them alone.

_When you say your prayers try to understand  
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man _

 

But this year probably wouldn't be like that at all. Colin was most likely upset, wondering why Bradley ignored him and Bradley couldn't make himself be strong and meet those beautiful eyes looking at him accusingly. And he had no excuses for the questions that inevitably came. What could he possibly say? _I love you and all you choose to be, and I leave open containers of chocolate mousse on the counter at night for the tiny little aliens in case they're hungry? I stare at the screen and watch your silly animal rescue shows while I hold the pillow from the guest bedroom? Did you know you smell of spicy apples and that I want to drown myself in that scent, or better yet I want to drown myself in you, because that's basically the same so please take me somewhere private_ _? Oh and also if you think there's even the smallest chance you might fall in love with me too I'd dedicate my life to you?_

 

  
 _When he holds you close, when he pulls you near  
When he says the words you've been needing to hear _

 

Bradley shook his head. Outright pathetic, that's what he was becoming. They're better off at the party without his sorry ass anyway. He was moping and he knew he was, but just didn't have the energy to do something more productive these days. The christmas spirit left him empty and uninterested and he refused to remember last year, when he and Colin somehow managed to get drunk on cider and decorated his, or _their_ , honestly, apartment. Colin wore reindeer antlers and didn't even need a fake red nose because cider did that for him, and Bradley just laughed and laughed at him and allowed him to practice wrapping shimmery snakes of some kind of fluff around him first before putting it on the tree. It was one of the best nights Bradley ever had, and he also pretended he can't reach the top even if he was only an inch or so shorter than Colin and sat on the floor, watching in awe how Colin stretched above him to place the big shiny red star on top. Colin disappeared into his room then and emerged with an armful of papers and boxes and insisted they wrap the presents as well. Bradley pointed out presents were supposed to be a surprise, but Colin would have none of it, so half an hour and a new bottle of cider later, Bradley learned Colin got him a new horse brush - _for your baby girl_ \- and watched, with cheeks flushed how Colin stared excitedly at his future _vegan meets chinese_ cook book.

 

_I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine  
To say to you till the end of time _

 

He thought fondly of last year's Valentine's day as well, and he promises the date is a coincidence, he does, he never intended it to happen then because it caught him by surprise as well, but when he waited in line at Sainsbury's to pay, a sheet of _Teletubbies_ stickers caught his attention and he just _had_ to get it. Colin looked at him a bit bewildered when he got back and handed the stickers over, but then he _laughed_ , serenly, untroubled, with full lungs and heart and promptly stuck Dipsy on his laptop cover. Bradley ignored the warm, helpless ache in him that followed when Colin went around the flat then and without a question if he's even _allowed_ , as if he's at his _own_ home, decorated all the flat surfaces. One of them, Tinky Winky, Bradley thinks, ended up on Bradley's forehead and he couldn't make himself take it off for the rest of the evening to Colin's unhidden delight.  
Now, bloody Teletubbies were all over his apartment, reminding him of everything that he wouldn't be able to forget regardless. They built a whole life together, interwoven and co-dependent, strangely unable to disentangle no matter how much Bradley wanted to hide. The reminders of their shared moments were everywhere, in every room and corner and ornament, in every chipped surface of the counter and Bradley's heart; even his skin was full of memories and recollections of brief, lingering touches and the yearned for, phantom ones that made his skin prickle and hair stand on edge.

 

_Yeah, I will love you baby - Always  
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always_

 

His thoughts took him back to that fateful November day. He was in the living room, reading through that day's newspaper and tried not to wonder what Colin was doing in his room for the past couple of hours. They always gave each other privacy and space, but the need for _alone_ moments started to shrink mere weeks after they began to live together and invade each other's space, and whenever they weren't filming or visiting friends or family, they spent time together in the living room. It became _their_ space, their shared living quarters and they usually retreated to bedrooms only for sleeping.

 

After another half an hour Bradley was about to get up and check if Colin's okay or maybe asleep, even if he did usually just take a nap on the sofa next to Bradley, when he heard the door open and something being dragged on the floor. The sight of two suitcases immobilized him, a shock he didn't expect though he _should_ , crippling him into heavy, meaningful silence. Colin looked a wreck, pretty much resembling his post-wrap party demeanor and Bradley found the image so frighteningly heart-wrenching he was unable to respond. Colin helplessly stood in the hall, his face guarded into a neutral look but his eyes went all over the place, almost frantic and visibly upset. When their gazes locked he shook and straightened and it killed Bradley how much more composed he seemed, almost normal and nonchalant when he sat down next to Bradley.

 

_If you told me to cry for you  
I could _

 

" _So_."

"You're off?"

"I'm off."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Got everything?"

"More or less."

"I'll let you know if I find anything."

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Thanks."

"No problem, Cols."

"Take care, yeah?"

"You too."

 

_If you told me to die for you  
I would _

 

Their voices were strained and uncharacteristically tense, which wasn't really unexpected, but it still hit Bradley that they both knew this was really happening, and that it would hit them the most out of everybody. The whole cast and crew were upset, naturally, but no one grew as close together as them, sharing so much for so long, sometimes referred to as a single entity because you could rarely find one without the other. He knew they were beyond any line of normality when Colin's _mum_ started ringing Bradley and asking him to put Colin on the phone, but he couldn't find it in him to make it all stop. He felt loved, part of the Morgan family, longing to be there for the gatherings and stare at their Irish gibberish and endearing banter.

The air of finality was heavy between them and when Bradley walked Colin out, the urge to pull him back inside and envelop him was overwhelming. He felt almost dizzy with sadness and the invisible pull that felt like he was being stretched against his will, something of his being taken away without his will. Colin paused between the door, looking like he wanted to say something, but then bit his lip and smiled sadly at Bradley. Bradley only had the time to swallow hard before Colin took two steps back into the apartment and hugged him close, gripping his back in attempt at some manliness or something - he was full of stupid ideas like that, Bradley thought fondly and smiled despite himself - and clutched at Bradley for a bit longer, before turning around and walking out and away.

 

_Take a look at my face_  
 _There's no price I won't pay_  
 _To say these words to you_

 

Bradley was shaken out of his stupor with a loud banging on his door and suddenly he wouldn't put it past Katie to come all this way down to his flat to shout at him what kind of an idiot and a bad friend he was. Maybe he deserved it, because they hadn't really spoken in the past two weeks, he hadn't spoken to _anyone_ and for a brief moment he wondered if they had a conversation at the party about him and why he was being such a dick. He couldn't blame them if they did.

The banging continued in the same moment Bradley unlocked and opened the door, loud words being thrown in his face.

"Open the bloody door you stupid wanker!"

 

 _Oh_.

 

In front of him was Colin, flushed from the cold and looking _pissed_ as hell - pissed of the angry variety, not of the drunk one - and it was all directed at him.

Bradley stared.

Colin was much the same as always, which meant he was bloody beautiful, with his hair half an inch longer and curling around his ears, falling almost into his eyes, which were ablaze with something alive and wild that made him seem almost possessed, one arm braced on the door frame, the other one still in the air between them.

_Well, there ain't no luck  
In these loaded dice _

 

"Hi."

It was all Bradley could breathe.

"Don't you _hi_ me, James."

 

Bradley knew things were serious if last names were involved and searched his scrambled brain for something, anything, and came up with the learned politeness his mother always taught him.

"Would you like to come inside?"

He wanted to stick his foot in his mouth for it, if Colin's outrage wouldn't beat him to it.

 

"No I would bloody _not_."

"Uhm-"

"Why didn't you come to the party?"

 

The words were simple, but Bradley saw a shadow pass in Colin's eyes. It was too loud to be meant as a neutral question, slight undertone of hurt and betrayal evident even though Colin flinched minutely at his own lack of tact, like he just revealed something he didn't intend. Bradley opened his mouth, but realized this was _exactly_ why he opted not to go in the first place - there would be questions, and he had no answers. Not the kind that would put matters to rest, anyway.

" _Well_?" He's never seen Colin so impatient before. "Why are you _avoiding_ me, for fuck's sake?"

 

Bradley noticed a neighbour from across the hall open their door and peek outside at the sudden noise. Which was - yeah, bloody _brilliant_ if half of the building now listened in on their little drama show.

 

"Please come inside, Colin."

"I don't want to."

"Why?"

"Because I'm mad at you."

 

Colin stayed where he was, not seeing or probably more likely not _caring_ about the audience and looked on defiantly.

Bradley took a few steps back and started pacing the narrow hallway. Maybe some kind of an explanation was in order, and yet he had no idea how to even begin.

"Look, Cols-"

"What."

"I had to take some time off."

"And that's so hard to say? I _called_ you-"

"I'm allowed not to answer my phone, yeah? Free country and all that?"

 

Bradley was becoming angry, feeling the pent up agitation and helplessness building up inside him and fine, maybe it had to come out sooner or later, and he'd rather pull the plaster off in one go now that the situation presented itself.

Colin blinked at his angry outburst, something like hurt passing over his entire features.

"We are friends."

"We are."

"Close friends."

"Yes."

" _Best_ friends, Bradley."

"I uh-"

"You can't let me in your life and then just shut me out _completely_."

 

Colin's voice was getting leverage again, growing and not unwavering. Bradley was momentarily bewildered by the myriad of emotions in front of him unfolding, Colin's eyes glazing over and he seemed angry at that, like it embarrassed him.

"What did I bloody _do?_ Wasn't I fine? Weren't _we_ fine? Bradley why-"

"Because I _had_ to, okay?"

 

Bradley stopped pacing, his back to Colin when he nearly shouted his confession. He didn't want to turn around, thinking this would be easier if he didn't see the realization or possible unease or even disgust on Colin's face when he'd let it all out. Or he wouldn't have to watch him walk away. Again.

 

_But baby if you give me just one more try_

 

"It was too painful. The whole thing, really, but the separation most of all. I don't know what I expected, I really don't, and I'm sorry if I made you doubt yourself in any way, Colin. You were pretty sodding wonderful, but then you took your _wonderfullness_ away and I didn't know, I didn't-"

A soft voice broke his monologue.

" _Wonderfullness_? Really, Bradley? Of _all_ the words-"

"Just- hear me out, okay? Please."

"Okay."

"I thought keeping away would be best. Because everything was changing and I couldn't kid myself anymore that things would stay as they were just because I didn't want to let go."

"You're saying like everything's changing, and it doesn't bloody have to!"

 

Colin seemed to be growing annoyed again, or maybe not _getting_ it was a better word, and Bradley felt his shoulders slump. He spent four years hiding it all, and now he'll have to disclose it all like it didn't even matter.

"And what wouldn't need to change, Colin? The show stopped, and you moved out, and-"

"Why did you say that like I was some insufferable prick for doing it?"

 

Bradley finally turned around, chest heaving. "Because I didn't _want_ you to, that's why!"

Colin blinked again, and then pursed his lips together. "Why didn't you fucking say?"

"You didn't give me any indication you wanted to stay?"

"I didn't- ... _What_? How-" Colin turned on the spot in exasperation, doing a full circle before collecting his thoughts. "In what bloody universe of nonsense do you live, saying I didn't want to stay?"

Bradley gasped. "You did?"

"Sod off, James."

"But why didn't you say anything?"

"Because it's not my bloody apartment, that's why! I was waiting for you for over a month to just somehow in some way mention it and I'd jump at the opportunity, you spastic. But you didn't, so I thought- So one day I thought _fine_ , I should stop waiting and move out and I did, and then you bloody stop talking to me."

 

_We can pack up our old dreams  
And our old lives _

 

Bradley looked down at his shoes, shuffling restlessly on the ground. He tried to block out several of the door on the main landing of the building being open a crack, listening in.

"Crap, Colin."

"Tell me about it."

"So do you want to come inside _now_?"

"I'm still mad at you."

"I'm guessing there's more?"

"Yes there's more and I'm not coming in or leaving until I hear it all."

 

Bradley bit his lip, defensively crossing his arms across his chest.

"Did you speak to Katie?"

"Yes, several times, in fact. She knows how to pick up the phone, you know. Unlike _some_."

"Did she saying anything?"

"Yes, Bradley. We used words because that's what people _do_ when they talk to each other."

"I meant about me."

"You're not really the centre of the universe, you know. But yes, we did."

"What did she say?"

 

Colin opened his mouth and then snapped it shut again. Something stiff and angry seemed to be settling in again and it seemed like he was really ready to burst, now.

" _God_ , what is it with- What's going on, Bradley? Why are you _like_ this? Why are you so angry at me?"

 

But Bradley couldn't anymore. He really couldn't. Anything was better than this, this shapeless void growing between them, Colin not looking at him with amusement or fondness, but with bitter exasperation of someone who's had his fill and is losing his will to fight.

"BECAUSE I BLOODY _LOVE_ YOU."

 

 

For a few moments, all was quiet. Bradley thought he might be having an out of his body experience, floating somewhere else, somewhere where his ears didn't buzz from the blood rushing through him, feeling like his lungs were pulled out and stomped over, where he wasn't just a frail shell of a body and mind that had too many withholdings and restraints. The sudden clarity was overwhelming, completely unlike the cold dread he expected to feel if he'd ever say the words out loud.

 

He heard the doors out in the hall close, one by one, with a muffled commentary of _Sod this, Romeo and Juliet are less tragic or painful to watch_.

 

He swallowed hard, again, and zoomed his vision on Colin. Colin, who seemed to be frozen in time and space, petrified like a statue, unblinking and unseeing. Bradley knew he was still breathing due to his lean chest expanding with short, laboured breaths, his fingers gripping the door frame progressively more tightly.

"Colin."

That seemed to wake him up, because he outright spat the next words. "You _what_?"

 

 _Here we go_. Bradley took a deep breath and steeled himself. He might as well really _go_ for it now, it's not like it will matter anymore in five or ten minutes.

" _Ah_ , yes. About that- ... I _quite_ love you. And by quite I mean the dog, marriage, kids kind of love. Or, if you're allergic to dogs, we can have a cat. Or some fish. Or giraffes, I don't really mind either way. And I'm not sure how we'd make the _kids_ bit possible, but it'd be worth a try, I think. Especially the _practicing_ bit, and- Right. Too much info, probably. Although I mean it, I'd worship you for hours if I had the chance. The fact that I haven't been able to sleep with anybody for a really long time now is proof big enough. And- I don't know if you noticed but I kinda love to take care of you when you're ill. Or sleepy. Or drunk and just. I _love_ it that you don't own a driving license so you have to tag along with me. And that your mum knows me. And that you made such a mess when you painted your room, and how a quick trip to the furniture warehouse to pick up a new sofa turned into half a day of trying out all the soft surfaces, us nearly falling asleep on that bed after discussing the benefits of owning a spaceship, as if we could really have one. It's _all_ of you, really."

He trailed off and let some air in. Colin was leaning his head on the outstretched arm, hiding his face.

"Bloody _hell_ , Bradley."

"I-"

"You stupid, stupid idiot."

 

Bradley sighed and wondered for a moment if people will ever stop verbally abusing him.

 

"My god, have you gone _bananas_?"

 

Guess not.

 

"I meant every word, Cols."

 

_We'll find a place where the sun still shines_

 

Colin looked up sharply then, his eyes wild and glassy once again, something dangerous in his face when he took off and backed Bradley against a wall.

"I could fucking _punch_ you right now," Colin whispered, but then two tears trickled out from the corners of his eyes and he exhaled shakily. "But you better not bloody move because I'm going to kiss you instead, okay?"

Bradley didn't have the time to nod before Colin's lips were on his and something like London's midnight fireworks for New Year celebrations went off inside him. His cheeks stung a little and he briefly wondered whose tears caused it, but the sensation in his lips was too much, sort of tingling and pulsing and he choked down a sob that was lifting from his chest. He wouldn't believe he was really here and that this was really happening, if Colin wouldn't cradle his face then, licking across his lips and pressing his whole body impossibly close.

The kiss was broken by Colin first, who made a painful little sound in his throat and gasped for air. His thumbs moved in gentle circles over Bradley's cheekbones, and Bradley thought _this is it, I can die happy now_ , because he was afraid to do or say anything lest he ruin everything completely.

 

_I'll be there till the stars don't shine_

 

"Bradley you _fool_ ," Colin whispered against his lips and tried to chuckle, although it came out a bit watery.

"I-"

"Could you _really_ not tell I was coming on to you for ages?"

"What?"

"Wow, you actually didn't _know_?"

"You were- Colin _what_?"

"Okay so I know I'm probably more subtle than most people but come _on_ , I thought it was obvious."

"I-"

"And when it wasn't successful I just thought you were letting me down gently."

 

Bradley had no idea what to say to that so he just kissed Colin again, one arm coming around his middle to keep him in place, the other one cradling the back of his head, and _christ_ , Colin's hair was so soft and fluffy and he wasn't just smelling apples, he was _tasting_ them as well, and Bradley finally got his answer -

"You taste of apples."

"What?"

"Apples. You smell and taste of apples and I love it and I can't see a picture of apples without having some weird response to it without thinking of _you_."

 

Colin stared, a little bit in awe and Bradley sagged against the wall, finally seeing some of that fond amusement he loved so much, creeping back in.

"Speaking of _food_ -"

"What?"

"Bradley you _know_ I don't share my food just like that, yeah?"

"Uhm, yes?"

"I thought I was being downright pathetic that time in the restaurant-"

"You gave me your _ravioli,_ shit _._ "

"I wanted to give you much more than just my _ravioli_."

 

Colin's eyes sparkled and Bradley just stared and stared. He looked full of mischief and the comment was properly pornographic if you took it _that_ way, and Bradley was pretty sure it was the only way Colin's actually meant it. He nosed forward, pressing half of his face into Colin's and decided not to address a couple of fresh tears that slid down his cheek. All of this was otherworldly already anyway.

 

_Till the heavens burst and_  
 _The words don't rhyme_

 

"I'm sorry I didn't say something sooner, Colin. But I really thought there was _no_ way-"

"Shut up. I was so angry at you but I think we _both_ had our fair share of torture in the past few years, yeah?"

Bradley choked. "Years? You _too_?"

" _Yes_ , you muppet."

"Oh _god_."

 

Colin shuffled then, pulling away a little and searched for something in his hoodie pocket. He took out his mobile phone and put it to his ear, said somewhat breathlessly - _not coming back, after all, have fun_ \- and pointedly pressed the _end call_ button. Bradley gaped.

"What was _that_?"

"Oh, that was Katie. And probably the rest of them too, I think. Although I'm not so sure about Eoin, he seems to be cosy somewhere with Alex, god knows what those two are playing at."

"What?"

"It was the only way she let me come over here by myself, to keep her on the line all the time."

"Colin."

"Yes?"

"But they've just heard everything."

Colin grinned suggestively. "Not _everything_."

"What do you mean?"

"They won't hear what I'm gonna say _now_."

"What could hardly be more important than-"

"That I'm about to give you the _and more_ part of the _ravioli and more_ line?"

" _Oh_."

Colin smirked. "Mhm."

Bradley knew he must look like a proper idiot, staring and looking crazy amounts of equally dumb and excited, but he couldn't bring himself to care since Colin enjoyed every moment of it. "My bedroom?"

 

" _Today_ , if you'd please."

 

_And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind_  
 _And I'll love you - Always_

 

It was like drawing the first breath of air after already gulping down water and drowning. The air was crisp and clean and literally like life itself, filling up all the corners and crevices, mending and reconstructing, consoling and restoring, rejuvenating and conditioning. It was strong enough to smooth over the sharp edges of unspoken and un-accused resentments, leaving smooth, polished perfection in its wake, and it was pliant and adjustable enough to fill in the gaps of yearning and lingering sadness, calming the cuts and wounds of years long ache that chafed away at the very core of existence.

The world, nudged off the axis, tilted away from the right angle and spinning out of control somewhere into the abyss, was righted and set back into its course, aligning two people who were never supposed to be divided, or out of order and uncoordinated. Gravitational pull of one towards the other was magnetic and forceful, falling together and merging, uniting two halves that were perishing, diminishing on their own.

 

Bradley lay awake, his chest aching with so many beautifully contrasting emotions of bliss and qualm, delight and worry, glee and panic all swirling up inside him. He was afraid he would wake up and find it was all just a dream, a product of his frenzied subconsciousness that craved Colin more than he could cope with, really, so he didn't sleep. He didn't _let_ himself sleep.

 Colin next to him and slightly on top of him was warm, all long, bare, graceful limbs like that of a dancer, now unmoving and peacefully still when before there was frantic rhythm of passion and need coming together, forming a melody of two bodies which coveted one another for far too long. Clothes were lost somewhere along the way, their fingers sliding up and down their bodies, dipping in and out and causing blinding pleasure and desire for more, more, _always_ more, when they fell on the sheets and held onto each other. Warm breaths caressed skin, burning with anticipation and the delirium their touches elicited, unfurling something deep within, like warm autumn air playing with deep brown-orange leaves, and then laying them back on the ground gently, stroking and kissing them before lifting them up again. Their bodies melded, melted together and rose in rhythm, both being the leaves and the autumn air at once, whispering words of recognition, of praise and promise and before falling apart on the very brink of sanity and consciousness to give into staggering heat of rolling over the edge, Colin murmured a feverish chant of _i love you too_.

 

So no, Bradley couldn't sleep. He held on, bewildered and utterly confused how this could be his life now, not wanting to disturb Colin but unable to stop stroking his soft, messy hair, when Colin yawned somewhere below his neck.

"Go to sleep."

"Can't."

"Can't or won't?"

It was insane how well he knew him, but then again, they really were as adapted to each other by now as any two human beings _can_ be.

"I'm afraid."

"Of what?"

"That you'll be gone when I wake up."

Colin shuffled, kissing his jaw.

"If I'll be gone it'll mean I'm either in a dire need of a piss, tea, or out to buy you a Christmas present that I refused to spend money on before, because I thought you don't deserve one."

"You don't have to get me anything."

"But I want to, now."

"Okay."

"Any wishes?"

 

Bradley turned his head and ducked, pressing a warm and soft kiss to Colin's lips.

 

"Just move back in."

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr! :) fairiesandmilkshakes.tumblr.com


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